A Silent Capture

My dear goodness do I love climbing them. All the cuts and bruises that I get are worth it! The view, the fear, the adrenaline rush, and the feeling of happiness I get. Its like reliving my childhood. All those times I climbed my cherry tree when there were cherries, when it had no leaves, and even when it was blooming and bees were just everywhere. No wonder why my older brother and I were called monkeys in elementary school. We climbed trees like a champ! So when I am in a forest, all I could think of is which tree is good to climb, but I never do it because there aren’t that many to climb. 

So I am currently jobless, which I dislike but I’m enjoying this time off. I’ve had people tell me to get a job at different places. One is at an arts and craft store which seems like a pretty great place to work at since they have great benefits and all. Then there is an Inventory company, which takes inventory for stores. They travel a lot and pay for most if not all of the expenses. There is also a job at a McDonalds, all I would have to do is put things away and organize them. Best for last, there is a photography gig! I would work for a photographer, my dad’s friend. He said that if they get a contract, that they would be hiring soon. The best thing about my dad is that he told him that I took some photography classes, but the sad part is that he didn’t tell him that it was just B&W film classes. So I am really hoping that he signs the contract, because that would mean that I would travel and do what I love the most! Sad part to it is that I’m not the most social person. 

Sincerely,

Mr. Soto

P.S. Really! Hoping for that photography gig!

Going to a wedding on Saturday. Should I wear a tie or a bow tie?

So this last Saturday I got to go to church for the first time in about a year. That’s a really long time for me. I just like to go because its the one day I get to dress up! XP The thing is that before they started the sacrament of the communion, my mom told me I had to confess because I have committed a really bad sin. She makes me feel bad about the fact that I came out to her. Before that I was texting with my friend, and asked if I was talking with my boyfriend. I got mad and said, “No! He’s just my friend!” She then said, “I’m just kidding, don’t get mad.” Then she gave me a hug. Mom! You are seriously working my gears! I’m just gonna ask my grandma if I can go to Mexico with her when she goes back. I really need some time for myself, literally. I don’t really like my dad’s hometown, but it may distract me from all of the troubles I’m having. 

I have to tell you guys. I’m bisexual. Not use to saying this, nor do I like saying it unless I’m asked. There aren’t that many people that know.

I came out to my mom a month ago. She didn’t yell or cry, which surprised me somewhat. She just told me that I may just be confused, and not to speak to any gay guys especially one that I had mentioned to her that day.  The things that she told me, only made me doubt myself even more. But I’m pretty sure I’m bi. The very few that have known for some time have told me that I may just be confused, but I’m so sure of it! I do not discriminate! Now the thing about it is that my mom told me not to tell anyone, literally anyone. I want to tell my dad, but she told me that I would give him a heart attack. She is right, my dad has a very stressful job which in turn gives him high blood pressure. I just feel like I’m living in a lie, by hiding this. There is so much going on in my life right now. This is only a small part. :(

There are some things that I really want to post, but rather not because they are very personal. 

This night I had a nightmare and this is how it went.

So my family and I were starting to go in an elevator, and its pretty wide and big. Its plated gold with white. All of a sudden the doors start to close and the only ones inside are my cousin, my dad, and two younger siblings. My baby brother wanted to go with my mom, but the doors had already closed before hand. So we start ascending, and all of sudden the elevator tilts to one side and stops. Then it just starts to fall a few floors before stopping one more time, when it stopped my cousin, dad, and siblings were able to get out, but once I started to go towards the door. The elevator started to fall once more, faster this time. So I end up holding to a rope that was holding the elevator. Yet I still go down, then towards the bottom the elevator falls into a huge room at least 5 stories high. I’m at the end of the rope and I start climbing up while saying some prayers in Spanish. Once I said Amen after the Holy Mary I start to fall once more, but I end up at the top of the big room, and I see a horrible beast, and it starts to come after me. I try to grab the rope again, but before I could, I woke up.

From this dream, all I could get is that very soon. I’m going to fall, there will be people there for me at first, but then when there is a chance of escape I will fall even more. By then I would be on my own. My faith will only be able to hold me for so long before something worse happens. 

So I have been somewhat down lately. I just lost my job, and there were some fraudulent charges made on my bank account. Apparently someone was enjoying the high life in  New York. I took care of that, and should have my money back soon. I’m trying to stay positive.

I’ve been reading through my journal, and I am just wondering what the hell was wrong with me, when i wrote some entries. The thing is that I’m always writing about how I’m trying to stay positive. Which is what is keeping me going. Tomorrow should be a great day though. I get to go to the river again! 

Mexico! I am excited! I bought the tickets, and still my mother is having me take a few changes of clothing for the trip. All is good!